humor, life

Cow-Tipping 101

Cow-tipping is the reason I can’t believe in cool stuff like ghosts and magic. I’ve known hundreds of people who have sworn to cow-tipping, each with their own detailed accounts. Growing up, I eventually needed my own cow-tipping story to better blend in with the Normies. Do you realize how pathetic that sentence is? The worst part is, it was all for nothing! It’s impossible!

I found this with a quick “Cow-Tipping physics” search and feel it’s probably accurate even though I don’t actually understand the math. The words are spot on though, so someone knew what they were talking about.

I was peer pressured into lying about pushing a cow over. That may be the worst thing I’ve said on this blog, but put all these aspects out of your mind for a moment. Yes, I’ll tell you some of the more ridiculous claims in a minute, but first I want to point out the psychological aspect of this phenomenon. An entire culture wholeheartedly believed in this myth to the extent countless people swore before their gods and on mother’s graves that yes, they have tipped a cow.

That’s insane on its own, but think about it. Sure, some simply made up a story, but it’s not hard to find a cow pasture around here. There has to be a vast amount of people who tried. Tried and failed apparently, but none called bullshit! Believing they couldn’t manage a task several tiny girls claimed to successfully complete, they returned to school with tales of victory. I could understand a few, but all of them? No. I don’t understand how they all reached the same conclusion to lie.

Imagine you have tried and failed to complete a simple task. You’re so embarrassed, you decide to lie. That makes sense so far, I get it, I’ve had to do it many times. Which is how I know you try to discuss it as little as possible. You don’t bring it up in conversation, you wait to be asked. Even then you answer in few words and little detail until the questions stop. So why do all the cow-tippers feel the need to discuss their ventures at length? Is it because they rely on drinking as a reason to be forget details? Are they copying a story told by family and therefor trusting in its accuracy? Maybe it’s both.

It’s frustrating because I know there is a profound, ground-breaking psychological gemstone waiting to shine in this hillbilly-honored tradition, but I’ve fried too many brain cells to see it clearly. Since properly expressing the beautiful flaws of this diamond are beyond my capabilities, I’ll settle for sharing some of the more… eccentric stories I’ve heard. If you put them all together it’s technically a less elegant way of saying the same thing anyway.

Let’s start with Beth, the cliche popular girl, Sophomore year. Able to drive now, the stories began in earnest. Once they started it was hard to escape. Beth was the record holding tipper with a whopping four cows. At once. Apparently she knocked them over like dominos. The other kids admired it so much, they copied her technique but let her keep the record. Most said they could only get 2-3, usually adding “I don’t know how you got four!” Or similar praise for good measure.

Football players usually tackle the cow, which seemed par for their type, but a pair of brothers came up with something… unique. They claimed they tipped the cow onto a trailer, tied it down (because a tipped cow is calm?), and moved it to block their driveway. Their parents were “super pissed, but it was worth it.” Seriously, is the cow dead? Why don’t they stand up? It can’t be a universally missed plot hole.

It just now occurred to me – since we live in a world of camera phones – are the cow-tipping lies dead? Don’t people generally disregard stories without pics these days? I hope so, I feel a bad for the cows. They have to be like “What the hell is this two-legger doing? Is it broken?”

If you failed to provide a tipping experience, you could expect insults such as:

“… so weak she can’t even tip a cow.”

“… so stupid she tried to tip a cow over and pushed herself.”

“… so stupid the cow tipped her over.”

“… so stupid she got the cow drunk.”

They really are endless, none particularly clever. What story did I go with when I finally couldn’t take it anymore? Well, that’s the worst part. I have an uncle who considers lying his one true purpose in life. Unfortunately, I didn’t understand that yet and was forced to give a story on the spot as the above insults were hurled at me from all directions. In my desperation, I repeated his story verbatim.

“I got into Granddad’s moonshine last summer… it’s kinda fuzzy, but when I woke up, I was half naked in the pasture, and curled up to one of his cows… so I must of tipped it. I think she liked it too, because that cow sure followed me everywhere I went after that.” I proudly announced to the entire class.

You see the problem, right? I thought it was a great idea because it was short, gave me a valid excuse for any details I lacked, and I knew for a fact it was hilarious because Uncle got people laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe. What I didn’t understand, was how strongly the joke implied sexual relations with the cow. I was met with stunned silence and various “are you gonna marry it?” jokes. Eventually I told enough people I said it on purpose to screw with the preppy assholes. It helped for the most part, but was still mentioned sporadically.

For Halloween that year, Beth dressed as a cow with a “eat more chicken” sign around her neck, but halfway through the day she traded it to one of the guys. They took turns wearing it to ask if I wanted to “take them to pasture for a roll in the hay.” It’s another one of those things I can laugh at now. At the time, I genuinely was pleased with my ability to pretend it was on purpose. That strategy failed more often than it worked.

Thank you for listening to my short rant, I haven’t written one in a while and it’s nice to get these things out sometimes. Also, while we’re here, I would like to let you know my next translated classic will be The Call of Cthulhu because I thought I remembered it being shorter. I didn’t realize how long it is until I was already in chapter two, but it’s going well and I’m excited about it. I thought about posting it in parts, but my OCD was highly offended by the notion.

Be safe out there. Sometimes they really are out to get you.

Poetry Disclaimer: The below poetry is horrible. Do not read it if you are serious about poetry. It is for amusement purposes only. For full poetry details see Sex, Drugs, & Robbery.

Bloodstream

20,000 times a day I think of you.
I think of us together,
Wishing you thought of me too.

When we were together,
Nothing seemed better.
We had so much fun,
I never believed it could be done.

20,000 times a day I see your face.
The way you looked into my eyes,
I would have followed you anyplace.

We were so happy for so long,
Nothing could go wrong.
We were together everyday,
Never running out of things to say.

20,000 times a day I hear your voice,
Your care and concern,
You were my only choice.

When you started making up lies,
I couldn’t change your mind.
You started acting strange,
Slipping further from my range.

20,000 times a day I smell your scent,
The cologne you always wore.
Our destiny writ.

You were suddenly busy at night,
I knew something wasn’t right.
You had someone new,
But I didn’t want it to be true.

20,000 times a day I dream of you.
Your always with me,
I wish you felt it too.

No matter what I tried,
Or how hard I cried,
You won’t come back,
What do I lack?

20,000 times a day I feel your touch,
Hands embraced, bodies entwined.
I never thought I could love so much.

Why did you do this?
Why all the hit and miss?
Why did your feelings pass?
Why are you such an ass?

13 thoughts on “Cow-Tipping 101”

  1. I always enjoy your posts–taken all together, quite an engaging blend of the comical and frightening. Re: translating Lovecraft, I wonder what you’ll replace “eldritch” with in your rendition of “The Call of Cthulhu.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I hoped I wasn’t getting too… all over the place lol. I have to admit – I’m a little surprised by how much I need to Google some of these weird words in here. I remember seeing “eldritch” but there’s been so many I can’t remember it offhand.

      Like

  2. During this entire article, I kept thinking “Why are people giving tips to the cow? Have they evolved and taken over the restaurant industry when I wasn’t looking?”

    Aside from that confusion, it is a good thing that no one tried that here. People are crazy about cows here, if someone were to be found doing something like this, they’ll be mobbed.

    Liked by 1 person

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