humor · mental health

Blue Adam

I’m blue, da ba dee da ba daa

Eiffel 65

What a great song! It was my favorite for a long time, I felt like it was written for me. Of course, for a vast majority of that time, I was singing it wrong. I thought it said, “I’m blue, I’m in need of a guy.” Seriously, sing the chorus with it. Sounds just like it!

No one needed a guy more than me. I did my best, but being unable to produce my imaginary boyfriend in public eventually made people suspicious. I wouldn’t have lasted as long without the picture of Bestie’s cousin. Even the picture wouldn’t have carried weight had Bestie not helped sell the story when she was in town.

I never wanted to be the girl with a pretend boyfriend. It wasn’t for attention, it was pure survival. A girl can only take so much bullying. I think Lord of the Flies is tame compared to what real life would be like on that island.

Thanks to Fall Festival Freshman year, those days were finally behind me. That year I met Adam, who like myself, was a Butterface. Good ole home-schooled, preacher’s son Adam. He may have been the one kid living a more sheltered life than myself. We looked alike enough to be mistaken for siblings, we were quite the pair.

In case you aren’t familiar with the term. Except I never grew boobs.

Behind the awkward behavior of two teens desperate to play-it-cool, we recognized our own kind. We both wanted the same thing. We wanted people to think we were normal.

We told everyone we were dating, and held hands to prove it. Look at us on a date at the festival; like normies! There was nothing weird about us, no sir. We have each other, and everyone knows weirdos don’t get to be part of a couple.

We kissed goodnight, and my legs turned to rubber. I thought I would die when my huge nose smashed into his face. It hurt badly enough to water my eyes. Adam was too busy worrying about what he did wrong to notice.

It was more than good enough in the beginning. We talked several hours every day. We shared so many things in common I knew he was my Topanga. The Topanga analogy lasted exactly one month this time.

** I’m getting a little concerned about how many Topangas are appearing in my stories. This may have been unhealthy. **

On our one month anniversary, my bubble would cruelly burst forever. I could never trust Adam again. I would use him many times, but never trust.

I was beginning to get suspicious when yet another weekend was going by without Adam being allowed to go to a movie. I couldn’t confront him, I was afraid of initiating a conversation that might lead to breaking up. I barely had a taste of normal life, I couldn’t stand the thought of losing it.

Then Adam made a movie reference I didn’t understand. “You know, like they did on that movie.”

“You mean the movie I begged you to take me to, but you weren’t allowed to go see? That’s the movie your referencing?”

“Oh. Uhhhh. Yea. Oops. If I tell you something do you promise not to be mad at me?”

“Sure.” Yea right, asshole.

“I didn’t mean to, but I saw that movie with a girl from church… and she kissed me.” A long silence followed his confession.

Initiate Blackout Sequence. “You piece of shit. I have to break up with you now!” The only thing worse than being single, is being the girl that stays with a cheater. If he did it once he’ll do it again.

He apologized. I hung up. He called back. I hung up. Repeat. When my parents got sick of hearing the phone, I unplugged it. Peace at last! Peace that lasted less than an hour.

Having time to think it through, I plug the phones back in. I didn’t have to tell anyone he was a cheater. I didn’t have to really care about him. I could keep him around until I found someone to replace him. It’s not like I had to see him in person.

He would still be useful for, “I told you I had a boyfriend, I’m not a lesbian.”

A few minutes after plugging the phone in, he called back. I was pleased with the desperation in his voice.

The girl who kissed him in the theater didn’t want to be his girlfriend. “I’ll never speak to her again, I swear, she’s dead to me.”

I’ve never had anyone beg my forgiveness. It felt kinda nice, but I couldn’t let him off the hook that easily. I dragged it out for a while before I agreed to forgive him on one condition.

I wanted to go on a date. In public. Where people could see a boy pay attention to me. Where I might run into someone from school who could see him and tell the rest of the school I was holding hands with a boy.

This is the pattern we will repeat for the next 5 years. When we are desperate and lonely, we “date”. If one of us has any other prospect willing to give us the time of day, we cruelly abandon the other with no remorse.

No matter how angry we may have been with each other, we always stayed closed friends. At the end of the day, we both knew there was no one else to fill the void. We would never be able to speak so freely with a normal person.

Although, it is worth noting he once bragged about making a chatroom full of random strangers hate me. He told them he was going to kill himself because I tricked him into admitting he masturbated into a seashell conch while several other girls were listening.

It was like this one. It was a bathroom decoration he started taking into the shower at some point.

He failed to mention I did this because he cheated on me for the fourth time. Or that he used the suicide bluff on me until I forgave him.

Nothing more interesting happens until he has his own car. Once he was able to venture into the world on his own, all bets were off.

One day, Adam asked me to the movies. He picked me up, and acted shady AF the whole way to the theater.

Besides being sweaty and choking on his words, he was adamant about which movie we were going to watch. It’s a tiny theater, it only plays 4 movies at a time.

I don’t remember what they were, but there were two viable options this day. Clearly good choices like if Avengers and Harry Potter were playing at the same time. But he was saying Avengers sucks, (since when?) it has to be Harry Potter.

I knew he was up to something, but was wrong when I assumed this date was an apology for another cheating incident he was preparing to surprise me with. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way again.

Waiting in the ticket line, a girl runs up to us and hugs Adam. Red Alert! “Eeeeeeeek Adam!” She squealed. The sound she made, that was a squeal. Why?

“Hey Katie!” This walking ball sac just hugged her back!

“I’m. So. Read-aye!!! I’ve been waiting to see Avengers all week! I’m so excited!” This thing he’s calling Katie is bouncing now. Why is she bouncing?

“Oh, Katie, so this is…” I have to assume he was introducing us. That’s probably where his sentence was going but that’s when Black Rage dropped in for a visit.

Hello friend, always a pleasure. What do you say we drop in on these kids and do something crazy?

Yes, let’s do exactly that.

“Did you hear me?” When I could hear again, Katie was holding a hand out to me and Adam had an expectant look on his face.

Katie’s Status: Insignificant

Adam’s Status: Must Destroy – Only ride home – more information necessary.

Stepping between them, my back to Katie, I look at Adam. His smile is gone. That’s better. “The fuck you say?”

Adam forced a laugh, but it sounded wrong. “Don’t you think that would be funny? If you watched Harry Potter while Katie watched Avengers… and I would go back and forth. Get it? Like on tv? Two dates at once… ha…ha.”

“Can I see your keys, I left my wallet in the car.” I asked with a blank face. By this age, I haven’t mastered all the facial expressions, but my poker face is more than worthy.

The fool gave me his keys. I calmly walked away and locked myself in his car. My brain wanted to think about revenge, but first I had to force it to find us a way home.

In the end, I had quite the road trip ahead of me. By time my route was planned, Katie came to investigate. Adam had enough sense to stay away.

When my ride pulled up I cracked the window enough to tell Katie (who never stopped knocking) to step back.

I stepped out, walked toward the guard-rail in front of the parking lot, and threw the keys hard as I could into the drop-off. With all the overgrowth it was hard to see where they landed, but we could just hear a nice plunk as they found water.

Other than a gasping “Oh my god!” I didn’t hear Katie say anything. Smart girl, I was unstable.

“Tell Adam I’m sorry I couldn’t stay, you two have fun.” I never looked back.

The journey home was worthy of Odysseus. A coworker who lived close by agreed to pick me up. I went home with her until it was time for her shift. She lived in a women’s shelter, with security guards. They had to sign in and out each time they left the building. If she wanted to invite a guest, it had to be during visiting hours. The guest (me) has to sign in and relinquish their ID for the duration of their visit. I was not a fan.

** a quick note: This coworker was murdered a few years ago. She is absolutely on the list of eventual topics, but I feel it would be disrespectful to talk about her tragic death in the same post as the time she let a group of people watch her have sex with a dog. **

After we made it to work, our boss was kind enough to allow me to work so my night wouldn’t be a total waste. If I was stuck there anyway, at least I could make some money.

After closing, a co-worker who lived on my street took me home. It was better than what Adam had planned. I would have walked home before helping that moron fulfill his messed up fantasy.

That was probably the worst Adam experience, but it was far from over. I may stay angry at him for months at a time, but in the end, I would always be desperate enough to take him back.

The next big one was my 16th birthday, which was also Friday the 13th. Usually they’re lucky for me, but my birthdays have always been cursed. This one in particular was a doozy, but again, that’s another topic.

The part concerning Adam is basic. We were officially dating during my 16th birthday, not just screwing around learning how sex stuff works. Meaning his behavior freaking mattered.

He supposedly couldn’t get out of work that day, so he missed everything my small group had planned. When he was scheduled to get off at 10:00, the only thing left was riding around before going home.

I wanted to meet him when he got off. He wanted to go home first, change clothes, and meet me at Walmart. That’s weird, why would we go across town to Walmart?

“That’s stupid. I’ll pick you up at work, you can ride around with us, then I’ll drop you at your car later.” I suggested. Demanded.

“No, I smell bad. It was a busy night, I wanna change clothes before I see you.” Adam countered.

He sounds suspicious. “I don’t care, we’re only riding around.” I said with noticeably less patience.

“I gotta go we’re getting busy again, I’ll meet you at Walmart, bye.” He hung up on me before I could reply. Screw that!

I drove straight to his work and parked where he couldn’t see me. I waited for him to come out, and ambushed him when he got to his car.

“Why you being all shady, Adam?” My friends were watching. I had to be extra tough. I blocked his path to the car, knowing it isn’t below him to drive off in the middle of a conversation.

“I… I’m not. I’m not being shady! I told you, I stink and I want to change clothes.” He wanted out of here bad. I couldn’t help notice his clothes were fresh, no waiter has fresh clothes after a busy night.

“Ok. Give me my present and you can go.” I was pretty certain I had it figured out. It was only one of two things, and when he walked out of the restaurant without a hoe, I had my answer. There was no present.

“Ugh fine! Fine you win! I forgot to wrap it ok! It’s at home, I just wanted to go home, wrap it, and give it to you at Walmart but you had to show up here.” He sounded ridiculous.

“Then why wouldn’t you just tell me to meet you at your house after you change clothes? Why would we have to go to Walmart unless you needed to buy something?” Idiot!

“Please don’t be mad.” He finally gave up.

It was always the same with Adam. We would be best friends, he would do something unforgivable, and I would try to replace him. He begged forgiveness while I treated him like a dog, then I would lose his replacement, and pretend to forgive him. The process repeated ad nauseam.

Our grand finale came the summer after graduation. Adam was home from his first year of college and desperate to meet up. This is the time period between that first real boyfriend and Crook.

It put me in a position to decide between Adam and Crook. Despite all I had been through with Adam, Crook’s criminal history was a little scary.

There was a big difference between a sheltered girl’s bad boy fantasy, and actually being with a convicted felon with multiple charges. I also knew about the crimes he didn’t get caught for, and they weren’t small potatoes.

I chose Adam, but hadn’t worked up the courage to inform Crook. The first date out with Adam was a relaxing moonlight walk through downtown.

The temperature was perfect, the sky was clear, and the full moon was beautiful. We held hands as we walked from downtown to the river walk. We sat on a nearby bench, and Adam put his arm around me while we looked at the stars.

“Hey, can I tell you a secret I haven’t told anyone else?” He whispered.

“Duh.” The night was so perfect, my guard was all the way down.

“At college, I figured out I’m bi.” He says it casually, but I felt his body tense.

“As in you like guys and girls, right?”

“Yea.”

“Ok, cool that’s no problem. But we’re not dating anymore. I can go date Crook and not worry about it. You couldn’t keep your dick in your pants when you were cheating on me with women. There’s no way I’m going to deal with you wanting to screw every woman and man you see. Nope, bye dude.” I wasn’t angry, I was exasperated.

All these years I let him do the same thing to me over and over, and this was finally my last straw. If I didn’t end it that night, he probably would have soon after anyway. I was finally free of school, it was time to be free of him too.

I knew this time was different. I knew this was when it really ended. It felt different than the other times. I wasn’t sad, it didn’t hurt, it felt good. I wasn’t angry with him, I felt sorry for him.

I saw Adam’s Facebook for a few years after this, but I haven’t heard anything about him in over 10 years now.

When he went back for his second year of college, he changed his name on Facebook to Augustus, claiming it was his middle name. He has four names, none of which are close to Augustus in any way.

He eventually changed it back after several months. Shortly after changing it back, he began posting pictures of a girl and her baby. He said they were his wife and daughter.

It blew my mind. I couldn’t see Adam maintaining a successful relationship. I was able to learn he was not the biological father, but was going through the process of adopting the baby.

That made a little more sense to me. Desperate single mom settles for Adam because she is afraid to have a baby alone. I totally get that. I was satisfied with the explanation and went on with my life.

I deeply regret never learning the full story behind it, but after a year (give or take) posting pictures of this woman and baby, he deleted his entire account.

I got nosey again and reached out to a mutual friend. Apparently he wasn’t so much as dating that girl, as stalking her. She filed a restraining order and still had to move out of state before it was over. Now it made perfect sense.

Honorable Mentions:

—Adam is a Kleptomaniac. More often than not, when he came to my house, he left with something. Just a few things he stole: a Spider-Man ring, CDs, Tony Hawk game, lighters, keychains, and hot wheels.

—Adam once showed up to my work when I waited tables. I informed a very large, overly protective cook I had an ex trying to mess with me out front. Cook threw down his apron, and marched out front in his wife-beater. When Adam saw us, he dropped the menu and ran. Cook chased him all the way to his car, banging on his windows, screaming threats at him while Adam tried to escape. He never came to my job again.

—Adam tasted his own spunk juice. To see what it tasted like. He said it was fine.

Thank you all for joining me in this walk down memory lane. Please stay safe as Hurricane Ida tries to wipe us out. Just because you are imaginary, doesn’t mean you are immune to Hurricanes.

4 thoughts on “Blue Adam

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